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--- Sword in the Stone OF ACTION! ---
Fountain OF ACTION!
Professor Pow! distracts Colonel Crush with the capture of a Garbage Man, while Pow's terrorists obtain the Fountain of Youth and go after the Supreme Court. Crush attempts to capture Pow!, but is betrayed by his own CIA director.
2005 - An Odyssey OF ACTION!
Evil emperor Professor Pow! obtains a Monolith that gives him the power to turn everybody on Earth into monkeys. CIA Special Agent Colonel Crush tasked with stopping Pow! and is assigned a partner. Unfortunately, the partner betrays Crush. If Crush doesn't succeed, we'll all be swinging from trees.
From Russia with ACTION!
Professor Pow! goes on vacation, but arranges for Lt. Laserface to steal the original Hammer and Sickle from Lenin's Tomb. To stop him in time, Crush must team up with his army buddy from the cold war, Corporal Cramm.
Colonel Crush 3
The Sword in the Stone - OF ACTION!
INT. AN ENGLISH FOREST - DAY
LT. LASERFACE, wearing a POW! MASK, holds a DIAGRAM that shows the SWORD IN THE STONE. It is hidden by a newspaper.
A TOURGUIDE tells a group of TOURISTS about the SWORD IN THE STONE. Among the TOURISTS are TERRORISTS wearing POW! MASKS. In the middle of the TERRORISTS is a clueless TOURIST who keeps taking pictures with his CAMERA.
(In an English accent.)
This is the SWORD IN THE STONE, our latest attraction. Now, if you like the rock, we have replicas in the giftshop, so be sure to stop by there.
(Pointing to the sword.)
A little scratch down there. And they think that's actually from decapitation of the poor chap, back in the day.
LT. LASERFACE lowers his newspaper slowly and looks menacing. He pulls out an AUTOMATIC RIFLE and fires into the air.
The TOURGUIDE panics, sees the SWORD and tries to pull it from the STONE, to no avail. A TERRORIST walks up to the TOURGUIDE and aims a pistol at the TOURGUIDE'S head.
(Looking at the TERRORIST.)
The TERRORIST pulls the trigger and blows the TOURGUIDE away.
LT. LASERFACE walks up to the SWORD IN THE STONE.
I think this is it. Let me check.
LT. LASERFACE faces the SWORD IN THE STONE, holds up the DIAGRAM and looks at it. LT. LASERFACE slowly loweres the DIAGRAM, revealing the actual SWORD IN THE STONE, which looks comically similar to the DIAGRAM.
A TERRORIST hands the AUTOMATIC RIFLE to LT. LASERFACE.
(Laughing with evin intent.)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
LT. LASERFACE and the TERRORISTS march toward the SWORD IN THE STONE.
INT. A DARK ROOM WITH A POKER TABLE - NIGHT
A TERRORIST turns a PLAYING CARD and puts it on the TABLE. FIVE CARDS are revealed. Among them are the TEN, JACK and QUEEN OF SPADES.
Each of the TERRORISTS at the TABLE peek at THIER TWO CARDS. LUCKY TERRORIST smiles and laughs gleefully when he sees his cards.
One of the TERRORISTS puts in TWO WHITE CHIPS into a PILE OF CHIPS in the center of the POKER TABLE, and the OTHERS do the same. PROFESSOR POW! looks at his cards.
PROFESSOR POW! slides a big STACK OF CHIPS into the center of the POKER TABLE.
ALL OF THE OTHER TERRORISTS toss their CARDS down as they exit the betting. LUCKY TERRORIST stays in the game, sliding his STACK OF CHIPS into the pot.
PROFESSOR POW! slides the rest of his CHIPS into the pot.
And I wager my entire evil empire.
PROFESSOR POW! pulls out his CHECKBOOK, and writes a CHECK, which he flips into the center of the POKER TABLE. We see that it says "ONE EVIL EMPIRE", and is signed "POW!"
(Shrugging and speaking in a falsetto voice.)
PROFESSOR POW! reveals his CARDS, a SEVEN and a TWO.
LUCKY TERRORIST reveals his CARDS, an ACE AND KING OF SPADES.
LUCKY TERRORIST giggles, hardly believing that he has won.
PROFESSOR POW! narrows his eyes and glares.
THE OTHER TERRORIST are afraid of what will happen next.
PROFESSOR POW! snaps his fingers. Instantly, a ninja appears from the shadows, slicing LUCKY TERRORIST'S neck. LUCKY TERRORIST lays face down on the POKER TABLE.
After a moment of tense silence THE OTHER TERRORISTS clap and PROFESSOR POW! takes all the CHIPS from the center of the POKER TABLE.
(A PHONE RINGS.)
(Raising his tie to speak into it, annoyed)
What? What is it?
LEADER OF TEAM BETA (VO)
(Over the phone.)
This is Terrorist Team Beta. We have stolen King Arthur's DNA.
(Hanging up his tie.)
Perfect! Now, once my cloning machine is complete, I will bring King Arthur himself back from the dead to reclaim England.
INT. AN ENGLISH FOREST - DAY
(Raising his sword.)
INT. A DARK ROOM WITH A POKER TABLE - NIGHT
(Tearing the CHECK in two.)
But it will be mine, after I brainwash him!
PROFESSOR POW! throws the torn check on the table.
PROFESSOR POW! (VO)
(Laughing like a lunatic from offstage.)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
EXT. CIA HEADQUARTERS
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - GENERAL MOTORS OFFICE
Ten friend requests? I am so cool. Oh hello there Crush, I didn't see you there.
Crush scratches his head.
I am Deputy Director General Motors. I see you didn't have any trouble finding my office.
I got lost!
General Fubar is on vacation in India. He said something about Ghandi and violence, or non-violence--I'm not really sure. Crush, I'm sorry we had to cancel your vacation, but we have a bit of a situation on our hands. Apparently the Sword in the Stone has been stolen, and it's obviously the work of your greatest nemesis, Professor Pow!. Pow! has already been able to smuggle the stone into America, making it our responsibility to return it to England as soon as--
Not Professor Pow!
I'm afraid so. Our intelligence has indicated that Pow's men will be driving a white van along this route. It's your duty to recover the Sword in the Stone. Crush, you're the only man for the job.
Oh, and one more thing. Those crazy Brits have sent us one of their agents to help you. Send her in.
Roxie Redcoat enters, in awe of the pure man that is Colonel Crush.
Meet Roxie Redcoat from MI6.
I'm counting on you, Crush.
INT. PROFESSOR POW'S EVIL LAIR
Professor Pow! kneels, working on his Cloning Machine. A terrorist watches.
Yes! It is complete! Marvel at my cloning device! Now, to clone King Arthur...
Pow! holds up the sample of Arthur's DNA
Wait! No, I need to test it first. Bring me Victor's DNA!
Terrorist runs off to fetch the DNA sample. Professor Pow! violently types away at the cloning machine control station.
Ah, if I simply reprogram the device for Victor's DNA, it will be... of course, yes...
Terrorist brings sample. Pow! Takes it.
Pow! loads the sample into the cloning device.
Now... Everyone stand back.
Pow! walks away from the machine, then stretches back to hit the enter button on the device. The cloning device starts up, cloning Victor in a dazzling show of lights, sounds, and high tech special effects. Victor emerges, screaming. He feels his chest, seeing that he is not shot or dead.
It works! Hello Victor...
Victor sees Professor Pow!, and screams in fear.
EXT. HIGHWAY 959 - DAY
Crush and Roxie sit on the side of the road, preparing to ambush the terrorists.
Crush, before we go out there, there's something I need to tell you.
The terrorist van zooms past Crush and Roxie.
Oh! To late!
Crush guns the car up to speed, chasing after the evil van. A terrorist emerges from the passenger-side window, shooting at Crush and Roxie. Crush, drives after them, determined to catch them.
EXT. HIGHWAY 959 - DAY
A terrorist leans out of the passenger window and fires at Crush. Laserface, driving the Pow van leans out and shoots back at our heroes. Crush returns fire while dodging the barrage of bullets. Roxie Redcoat climbs onto the passenger side window and begins unloading on the van with a submachine gun. The passenger side terrorist's gun jams, and Crush sees his opportunity--he hits the gas hard and pulls up next to the van. Letting go of the wheel, Crush shoots at the terrorist with both guns blazing. The terrorist dramatically falls out of the vehicle to his death numerous times, however, Laserface now has a clear shot and pulls up a large pistol in dramatic slow-mo glory. He fires at Crush, who returns fire and ducks to avoid being shot. Suddenly the sliding door of the van opens, and a terrorist armed with an enormous machine gun opens fire on Crush and Roxie. Crush frantically down-shifts and hits the breaks hard to avoid the pointblank destruction of the machine-gun. The terrorist leans out the side of the van, firing round after round at Crush's car. Laserface, with another trick up his sleeve, opens the hatch of the van with a button on the dash. Two terrorists lean out the back of the vehicle armed with pistols. Roxie tries to lay down some cover-fire, but must stay low to avoid being hit. She manages to hit one of the terrorists, who tumbles out of the back of the van, and into certain death. Crush hands his guns to Roxie.
Crush reaches into the back of the car and pulls up a long cylindrical device dark green in color with a pistol grip that is clearly labeled "Rocket Launcher." He carefully takes aim at the van, making sure not to miss. Laserface fires back at Crush.
Crush continues to take aim, while the machine gun terrorist continues to riddle Crush's car with bullets.
The remaining terrorist in the back of the van has terrible accuracy.
Almost there--Uh oh!
A siren sounds as a cop pulls up behind Crush's car. Crush quickly pulls his head back in the car, shoves the rocket launcher guiltily in the back and slows down.
Crush, you don't have to answer to them! They're just local police!
No No! I'll take care of it!
But they're getting away! We can follow them!
Sh! I got this, I got this!
The cop walks up to the car.
You have any idea how fast you were going?
The cop peels away his face to reveal his true identity--a pow terrorist! He pulls a gun and holds it up to Crush's face.
The Cop/Terrorist hits Crush with the butt of the gun, knocking him out cold.
EXT. AN ABANDONED BUILDING, NIGHT
Crush and Roxie are taped to the building, surrounded by terrorists. Pow and Laserface stand in front of them.
Why hello there, Crush. How good of you to stop by! You're just in time to hear my evil plan recital! I'm going to clone King Arthur who will reclaim the sword and therefore the throne. But! He will be no more than a puppet after I brainwash him! England will have no choice but to bow before me!
An now, instead of doing something overly elaborate, I'm just going to shoot you!
Professor Pow steps forward and puts his gun to Colonel Crush's head. The terrorists watch in awe. Is this the end of Colonel Crush!?
EXT. AN ABANDONED BUILDING, NIGHT
PROFESSOR POW! pulls the trigger, but the GUN doesn't fire.
Damn. Out of ammo!
I guess I'll just have to do it the old-fashioned way.
PROFESSOR POW! motions to TERRORIST #1. TERRORIST #1 walks over to COLONEL CRUSH.
You'll notice my associate is strapping a small device near your heads.
TERRORIST #1 tapes a BOMB onto the BUILDING near COLONEL CRUSH and ROXIE REDCOAT.
LT. LASERFACE here thought that killing you with a BOMB would be a sweet, poetic justice.
(With evil intent.)
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!...
Now if you'll excuse me, I have an England to take over. And, if you don't mind, I think I'll be taking your car. Thanks a lot, Crush. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Turning toward LT. LASERFACE.)
Now, load the Sword and the Stone into CRUSH'S CAR. Team Alpha with me. Team Beta will stay behind and kill Crush.
But... but, I want to kill Crush.
No. I need to you with me.
You can't call for either car. Which team are you on?
I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know what team you're on?
I don't know. I just follow people around.
Oh, that's just great. Someone get out the LIST.
A TERRORIST hands the LIST to PROFESSOR POW!
(Thumbing thought the LIST.)
Allright. What's your name?
Murphy nothin' Just Murphy.
Ah. Here you are.
(Turning toward TERRORIST #2.)
What? You're not even supposed to be here. You're supposed to be on Team Gamma.
Oh. Should I go find them?
No, you shouldn't go find them. You're on Team... Alpha now. Anyone got a pen?
With him on Team Alpha we won't all fit in the car.
I'm sure we can all fit.
No, we won't.
Yes, we will.
PROFESSOR POW! pulls out his GUN.
With him on the team, there's going to be one extra, and I hate it when like...
PROFESSOR POW! shoots TERRORIST #4 with his GUN.
(Holding his gun for all to see.)
There. Now we all fit. Any other questions?
Yeah. I wasn't assigned to a team.
Yeah. I was dressed like this at a costume party. This isn't even a real gun.
Then you're on Team Beta.
Everyone stays here and kills Colonel Crush except for Laserface. You. Load the Sword in the Stone into the CAR and come with me.
PROFESSOR POW! turns and walks toward the CAR. The remaining TERRORISTS walk slowly toward ROXIE REDCOAT.
(Turning toward COLONEL CRUSH.)
Crush, before we die there's something I have to tell you...
COLONEL CRUSH rips through the TAPE that holds him to the BUILDING, throws the BOMB away and punches the nearest TERRORIST in the stomach. Another TERRORIST jumps onto the step of the VAN with a SUBMACHINE GUN. COLONEL CRUSH punches another TERRORIST in the gut, and holds him as a shield as the one on the VAN shoots away. The TERRORIST who is a shield screams his head off as he is shot repeatedly. The SUBMACHINE GUN stops shooting. COLONEL CRUSH throws away his dead shield and poses. The SUBMACHINE GUN starts shooting again and point-blank range, and COLONEL CRUSH simply runs toward the TERRORIST and punches him with locked hands. COLONEL CRUSH wipes the sweat from his head.
(Calling for help out of the camera's view.)
TERRORIST #3 is holding ROXIE REDCOAT holding a GUN to her head.
Don't move or she dies, Crush! Get on your knees, now!
Don't listen to him, Crush!
Try anything, and you both die!
Don't listen. Just shoot him!
COLONEL CRUSH studies his options, looking at the GUNS on the ground, then at ROXIE REDCOAT, then back at the GUNS.
COLONEL CRUSH dives to the ground, picks up both GUNS and start firing with both hands. TERRORIST #2 tries to aim at COLONEL CRUSH, but both he and ROXIE REDCOAT fall to the ground. COLONEL CRUSH rushes to the side of ROXIE REDCOAT.
You did your best, Crush, but he got me. Before I die, there's something you need to know. I... I...
ROXIE REDCOAT dies before she can say the final words.
COLONEL CRUSH buries his head in his hand. After a moment, TERRORIST #2 starts to awaken, but COLONEL CRUSH shoots him in the head.
(Getting up and feeling a focussed anger.)
It's time to crush some pow!
COLONEL CRUSH grabs the ROCKET LAUNCHER, straddles it and launches into the night sky in search of Pow!'s hideout.
INT. PROFESSOR POW'S HIDEOUT, DAY
My cloning machine is finally ready to clone...
(Pulling a piece of AMBER from his pocket...)
...King Arthur! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes!
PROFESSOR POW! puts the AMBER into a CONTAINER and slides it into the CLONING MACHINE. Pow! rubs his hands together, and presses the Enter button on the KEYBOARD.
The CLONING MACHINE comes to life, sparking and sputtering, until KING ARTHUR emerges, dazed with steam rising from his body.
(Reaching out to grab an invisible chalice.)
Ah. The Holy Grai... Where am I?
(Turning toward his TERRORISTS.)
Now, brainwash him!
Can Crush stop Pow! in time!?
END OF WEBISODE 4
INT. PROFESSOR POW'S HIDEOUT
(To a terrorist.)
Now, brainwash him!
The TERRORIST walks over to KING ARTHUR with a BRAINWASHING DEVICE.
Could this be the Holy Grail? All my years of Argh! Ack!
The TERRORIST attaches the BRAINWASHING DEVICE to KING ARTHUR'S head and starts turning the crank.
Pow! is your master, now. Obey me, King Arthur!
(Going cross-eyed and nutty as he is brainwashed.)
Pow! Bzzt! Pow! is good.
Pow! is your master!
Pow! is my master. La! Gack! Gag!
Now stop! Enough
The TERRORIST stops cranking the BRAINWASHING DEVICE. KING ARTHUR starts to act mechanically.
Go take the Sword from the Stone!
Sword from Stone...
KING ARTHUR walks robot-like toward the SWORD IN THE STONE.
EXT. THE SKY - DAY
COLONEL CRUSH is flying on his ROCKET LAUNCHER, scanning the landscape for PROFESSOR POW'S HIDEOUT. When CRUSH sees the HIDEOUT, he points the nose downward and descends.
INT. PROFESSOR POW'S HIDEOUT
KING ARTHUR slowly grasps the SWORD IN THE STONE. Just as he is ready to pull, COLONEL CRUSH and his ROCKET LAUNCHER land in the HIDEOUT.
COLONEL CRUSH pulls out his GUNS and starts shooting at KING ARTHUR. Bullets bounce off of KING ARTHUR'S CHESTPLATE. KING ARTHUR falls to the ground, dying.
I am slain.
Colonel Crush!?! Agh! Get him!
One after another, about A DOZEN WELL-ARMED TERRORISTS enter the HIDEOUT. Using video effects, it's actually the same two guys shown over and over.
COLONEL CRUSH raises his GUNS and scowls at PROFESSOR POW! without fear.
(In a panic, running out the door.)
Damn! Out of my way! Out of my way!
COLONEL CRUSH and the TERRORISTS enter into a gunfight. They shoot at each other at ridiculously close range. After Crush kills one, the scene turns into a waltz with CRUSH turning in a circle to shoot the TERRORISTS that surround him. All of the TERRORISTS start to die, while CRUSH is untouched. One TERRORIST is left alive shooting from the ground. CRUSH calmly walks up to him and shoots him in the head, ending the waltz.
COLONEL CRUSH looks around nervously to see if any danger remains. From behind, LT. LASERFACE runs up and hits COLONEL CRUSH with the butt of his RIFLE. CRUSH falls to the floor as his guns slide across the room. LASERFACE aims his RIFLE at CRUSH, who is unarmed.
You! You put the bomb on my head!
COLONEL CRUSH looks around nervously for a weapon, but none are within reach.
Will Laserface Kill Crush?
END OF WEBISODE 5
INT. PROFESSOR POW'S HIDEOUT
COLONEL CRUSH hits LASERFACE'S RIFLE and punches LASERFACE in the stomach.
(In reaction to being hit in the gut.)
LASERFACE'S RIFLE slides across the floor.
CRUSH jumps on LASERFACE'S back, but LASERFACE stands up and starts spinning CURSH around.
(With renewed strength.)
LASERFACE throws CRUSH to the floor, and CRUSH crashes into a STOOL. LASERFACE growls and gets ready to stomp on CRUSH. CRUSH punches LASERFACE in the foot.
Ow! Ouch! Argh!
(Turning around, grownling with anger.)
CRUSH and LASERFACE square up, ready for a fight.
(Taking off his JACKET.)
Look Crush, you're just not up to my calibur!
CRUSH takes off his AMMO BELT and throws it to the ground. LASERFACE throws his JACKET to the ground.
CRUSH steps forward to fight, but LASERFACE picks up a chair and throws it at CRUSH. CRUSH ducks to avoid the CHAIR, but LASERFACE punches CRUSH in the jaw.
(In reaction to being punched.)
Ohh! (cough, cough)
(Moving toward CRUSH, laughing.)
Ha, ha, ha!
LASERFACE grabs CRUSH by the back of his SHIRT and throws him solidly to the CEMENT FLOOR next to the SWORD IN THE STONE.
I told you Crush, you're just not up to my calibur!
(Looking at the SWORD.)
(Standing and regaining his strength.)
How about Excalibur?
COLONEL CRUSH pulls the SWORD from the STONE and strikes LASERFACE with a masterful blow. LASERFACE falls to the floor, motionless.
COLONEL CRUSH is overcome by a magical power. The SWORD aims itself stright into the air as it sparkles and glows.
(With his last dying breath.)
The true king has returned.
KING ARTHUR dies. COLONEL CRUSH sheathes the SWORD, and pulls out a TIMEBOMB.
(Looking at the TIMEBOMB.)
Let's blow this joint!
COLONEL CRUSH looks for a place to put the bomb, including various parts of the cloning machine. Finally he finds his target, arming the TIMEBOMB as he puts it on LASERFACE'S head.
COLONEL CRUSH runs out of the HIDEOUT as fast as he can as the theme music plays. Just as he dives to the ground, the building explodes in a massive fireball.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS, GENRAL MOTOR'S OFFICE
COLONEL CRUSH walks into GENRAL MOTOR'S OFFICE, confused.
Great job, Crush. Who would have known that you were the heir to the true throne of England? And, you'll be pleased to know that you've been promoted... (CRUSH talks over the rest) to the position of Your Royal Highness. Congratulations, King Crush!
(V.O. - internal voice; looking in the barrel of his gun.)
I wonder who that guy is. This sure is a pretty gun. Those crazy bad guys. I wonder where they are right now.
INT. PROFESSOR POW'S HIDEOUT - ON FIRE
(Waking up, startled from his injuries.)
Ukrainian! Ugh. Frikin' A. I hate that guy!
-- THE END! --
Copyright ©2007 by Poorly Projected Pictures. All rights reserved.
Copyright ©2007 - 2017 by Poorly Projected Pictures. All rights reserved.