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--- 2005 - An Odyssey OF ACTION! ---
Films
Sword in the Stone OF ACTION! Sword in the Stone OF ACTION!
Professor Pow! plans to take the English throne by removing the Sword from the Stone. The CIA is on the case, assigning Crush and partner Roxie Redcoat to the case. Crush must fight a team of terrorists and defeat Lt. Laserface in order to Save the Queen and prevent the reign of King Pow!
Fountain OF ACTION! Fountain OF ACTION!
Professor Pow! distracts Colonel Crush with the capture of a Garbage Man, while Pow's terrorists obtain the Fountain of Youth and go after the Supreme Court. Crush attempts to capture Pow!, but is betrayed by his own CIA director.

2005 - An Odyssey OF ACTION!

2005 - An Odyssey OF ACTION!
paused Webisode 5
From Russia with ACTION! From Russia with ACTION!
Professor Pow! goes on vacation, but arranges for Lt. Laserface to steal the original Hammer and Sickle from Lenin's Tomb. To stop him in time, Crush must team up with his army buddy from the cold war, Corporal Cramm.
Actions!
State Secrets
Description Credits Script Reviews Blog Comments
COLONEL CRUSH: 2005 - AN ODYSSEY OF ACTION!
by Matt Ellis, Nathan Fairhurst & Ryan Wolk
EXT. A FOREST - DAY
A MONOLITH sits in the forest.
Two THUGS walk up to the MONOLITH and carry it away.
INT. A GARAGE WITH A TRACTOR - DAY
A TRACTOR REPAIRMAN is repairing his TRACTOR. COLONEL CRUSH, an action hero with GUNS and wearing CAMO, walks in and grabs the TRACTOR REPAIRMAN by the head.
COLONEL CRUSH
Your terrorist ways are over.
COLONEL CRUSH breaks the TRACTOR REPAIRMAN'S neck, takes his wallet and looks at his drivers license.
COLONEL CRUSH (cont.)
Oh. Wrong guy.
Bullets start flying. COLONEL CRUSH jumps behind the TRACTOR and shoots back. A gunfight ensues. Crush eventually kills the ATTACKERS, and runs over to them.
COLONEL CRUSH looks closely at one of the ATTACKERS' faces.
COLONEL CRUSH (cont.)
Third time's the charm.
INT. PROFESSOR POW!'S OFFICE - DAY
PROFESSOR POW!, a crazy man with an EYEPATCH, a colorful mismatched suit and tie and a bent for taking over the world, types on a COMPUTER KEYBOARD.
PROFESSOR POW!
Well, well. It appears without your fire and police departments, you're defenseless against my wrath. Take this Sim City! (laughs)
The PHONE rings.
PROFESSOR POW! (cont.)
What?
RECEPTIONIST (v.o.)
Professor Pow, you have Ukranian Terrorists on line 1. Oh, and your wife called. Your son's in the hospital.
PROFESSOR POW!
Put on the terrorists. And kill my wife!
TERRORIST (v.o.)
Professor Pow! I believe we have found something of considerable interest to you. A monolith.
PROFESSOR POW!
You've found what?
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
FRED, the CIA Director is sitting at his desk. COLONEL CRUSH is standing by, getting his instructions
FRED
Good work, Colonel Crush. Unfortunately, you'll have to cancel your Tahiti vacation. Looks like your nemesis, Professor Pow!, is still on the loose. We've received word of a Monolith that may have fallen in Professor Pow's hands.
COLONEL CRUSH
No! Not Professor Pow!
FRED
Crush, this assignment is bigger than even you can handle. Therefore, I've decided to assign you a partner.
COLONEL CRUSH
A Partner? I don't work very well with partners.
EXT. LEMONADE STAND - DAY
COLONEL CRUSH recals a dreamlike memory about an assignment with his PARTNER, a tough CIA agent with a big rifle. They chance upon a LEMONADE BOY, who is selling LEMONADE from his LEMONADE STAND.
COLONEL CRUSH (v.o.)
I remember that one time. We almost crushed that guy. (laughs)
LEMONADE BOY
Would you like to buy some lemonade?
PARTNER
Sure kid.
The partner throws some money on the table and takes some lemonade in a juice box.
COLONEL CRUSH
Do you have a permit to sell this juice?
Partner inserts a straw into the juice box.
LEMONAIDE BOY
I don't... I don't know. (crying)
Partner starts to choke on straw.
Crush gets out his gun and rushes the Lemonade Boy.
COLONEL CRUSH
Aargh! Put your hands in the air or put them behind your back.
Crush puts his knee on Lemonade Boy's back
COLONEL CRUSH (cont.)
You have the right to remain silent. Don't cry it makes me look bad.
Partner dies.
COLONEL CRUSH (cont.)
We sure showed him.
Crush sees dead partner and goes over to him.
COLONEL CRUSH (cont.)
No!
CUT BACK TO:
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
COLONEL CRUSH (cont.)
(Sadly.)
I remember like it was yesterday.
FRED
It was yesterday. And your getting a partner, whether you'd like it or not. Here she comes.
MISS ESPIONAGE, a sexy, but tough agent walks in.
COLOENL CRUSH
(Puts his head down in defeat.)
Fine.
FRED
Godspeed, you two.
INT. PROFESSOR POW!'S OFFICE - DAY
PROFESSOR POW is sitting at his desk speaking on a speaker phone to the UN LEADER.
UN LEADER (v.o.)
Well the UN will not be negotiating with terrorists, now Lad.
PROFESSOR POW!
As I see it you have two options. You can either hand over the billion dollars, or all turn into monkeys. As you can see, my accountant wholeheartedly agrees with me.
The camera reveals VICTOR, the accountant, bound and gagged.
VICTOR
(wimpers.)
UN LEADER (v.o.)
It's out of the question, Laddy.
PROFESSOR POW!
You fail to realize that I can destroy you with one push of a button.
Pow reaches up to push something. Camera reveals a Jenga game. Pow nearly topples it.
PROFESSOR POW!
(Grabbing the Jenga game to keep it from falling.)
Whoa!
PROFESSOR POW!
(Turning to the telephone.)
Understand!!!
UN LEADER (v.o.)
We don't even have a billion dollars to even give you, Laddy.
PROFESSOR POW!
Your turn, Victor.
VICTOR takes his turn.
VICTOR
(wimpers.)
UN LEADER (v.o.)
The UN doesn't have a billion dollars just to be handing out and about, now Laddy. A billion dollars here and a billion dollars there, we'll then everybody's a billionaire. And if everybody's a billionaire, what do you expect the dollar to be worth? Absolutely nothing. So we can't be giving you a billion dollars just because you want to...
PROFESSOR POW!
My patience is growing thin!
UN LEADER (v.o.)
Alright now, Lad. We're going to go ahead a give you the billion dollars, but your going to have to do a few things for us. A, you're going to have to hand over the monolith...
Pow reaches to take his Jenga turn, and the pieces fall.
Pow smashes the phone in anger.
PROFESSOR POW!
No!
PROFESSOR POW!
(Realizing that he has just lost a billion dollars. Pow pauses, turns to VICTOR and says:)
Well, well, Victor. It appears your daughter's bone marrow transplant will have to wait.
Pow quickly takes out a gun and shoots Victor.
PROFESSOR POW!
(looks at phone)
As for you... You'll all be monkeys soon.
INT. CIA FILEROOM - DAY
Miss Espionage sneaks into the file room at the CIA. She takes out a file, and makes a call on her watch phone.
MISS ESPIONAGE
I've just received some interesting information on Colonel Crush.
INT. PROFESSOR POW!'S HIDEOUT
Pow receives the phone call on his tie phone.
PROFESSOR POW!
(Speaking into his tie.)
Perfect. Keep an eye on him. We're testing the Monolith now.
Pow turns to the TESTER, who is wearing a helmet and standing near the MONOLITH.
TESTER
Initiated to go, sir.
PROFESSOR POW!
Set it to de-evolution-ize-ification.
Tester turns knob from "eveolution" to "bake" to "baptize" to "starchild-ize" to "de-evolution-ize-ification"
TESTER
Actually, sir, I have a question. Who are we trying this on?
PROFESSOR POW!
I'd tell you but you'd probably go ape over it. (laughs.)
TESTER
(Slowly showing monkey behavior.)
I mean, I really... OOH. I don't think that's... You're not saying that... OOH. What? WHA?
Tester turns into a raving monkey. We see the Monolith. He picks up an item and throws it into the air, like the bone from 2001, A Space Odyssey.
PROFESSOR POW!
Yes. Yes! Bwa, ha, ha!
EXT. OUTSIDE OF GARAGE - DAY
COLONEL CRUSH and MISS ESPIONAGE are outside of garage, ready to sneak in.
MISS ESPIONAGE
We should split up.
COLOENL CRUSH
Okay.
COLONEL CRUSH goes into garage, sneaks up on a TERRORIST GUARD and grabs him.
They fight. The TERRORIST GUARD attacks COLONEL CRUSH and is winning. Crush turns the tables and gets on top of the TERRORIST GUARD.
COLONEL CRUSH grabs a BIG SCREWDRIVER and thrusts it into the TERRORIST GUARD's head.
COLOENL CRUSH
You have been screwed.
Crush walks out. Two terrorists appear. One hits Crush with a rifle butt, knocking him out.
FADE TO/FROM WHITE
INT. PROFESSOR POW!'S LAIR - DAY
COLONEL CRUSH is tied to a CHAIR. PROFESSOR POW! and TWO TERRORISTS are standing behind POW!
PROFESSOR POW!
Well, well Colonel Crush. It seems you are finally within my grasp. And, you may be surprised to know that your friend Miss Espionage helped me in your capture. (laughs.)
One of the TERRORISTS brings in MISS ESPIONAGE.
COLOENL CRUSH
Espionage. I never would have guessed.
PROFESSOR POW!
Unfortunately for her, I can't trust a spy.
Pow snaps fingers.
TERRORIST grabs MISS ESPIONAGE and ties her up in a CHAIR next to COLONEL CRUSH.
PROFESSOR POW!
(Evil laughter.)
MISS ESPIONAGE
I'll get you for this Professor Pow.
PROFESSOR POW!
And you may find it interesting to know that you're sitting beneath a time bomb about to go off, and we're going to stay and watch as it explodes and kills you both. (laughs.)
TERRORIST whispers to POW!.
PROFESSOR POW!
(Realizing that the bomb would blow him up too.)
No. On second thought, we're not going to watch as the bomb explodes. (laughs.)
PROFESSOR POW! and the TERRORISTS leave.
COLOENL CRUSH
I can't believe you betrayed me.
MISS ESPIONAGE
But you haven't been entirely honest either. You're not even a colonel. You're a lieutenant.
COLOENL CRUSH
(Sadly.)
I know. Colonel is my first name.
COLOENL CRUSH (cont.)
(With newfound determination.)
But I've got a rank to earn.
COLONEL CRUSH unties himself and MISS ESPIONAGE.
COLOENL CRUSH (cont.)
It's time to take out Professor Pow.
MISS ESPIONAGE
But Lieutenant...
COLOENL CRUSH
Please, call me Colonel.
Crush grabs the time bomb.
COLOENL CRUSH (cont.)
Hurry. We're running out of time.
Crush and Espionage run away.
LEMONADE BOY walks in.
LEMONADE BOY
This will be a great place for my new lemenade stand.
LEMONADE BOY (cont.)
(Seeing the bomb.)
What's this?
Lemonade Boy grabs the time bomb and put it to his ear.
CUT TO:
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE PROFESSOR POW!'S LAIR
COLONEL CRUSH continues to run away.
A big EXPLOSION happens behind COLONEL CRUSH.
COLOENL CRUSH
(shrugs.)
Huh.
INT. PROFESSOR POW!'S THUGS HIDEOUT
COLONEL CRUSH and MISS ESPIONAGE run into hideout.
COLOENL CRUSH
Everybody down!
TERRORISTS
(Screaming random words at COLONEL CRUSH.)
Everybody shoots. Crush shoots randomly.
Miss Espionage kills the terrorists.
PROFESSOR POW!
Unfortunately for you, I'm already gone. (laughs.)
Pow runs away.
COLONEL CRUSH receives a phone call from FRED on his WRISTWATCH.
FRED (v.o.)
Colonel Crush, you must destroy the Monolith, before it's too late.
COLOENL CRUSH
Okay.
Crush approaches the monolith.
MONOLITH (v.o.)
(In an etherial voice.)
Hello. I am the Monolith. You have passed the test, and have been selected to be the next... Starchild.
COLOENL CRUSH
Stop with the crazy talk!
Crush takes out his guns and blows the Monolith away.
EXT. PROFESSOR POW!'S HIDEOUT
Crush and Miss Espionage run away from the hideout.
The hideout blows up as COLONEL CRUSH and MISS ESPIONAGE dive to the ground.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
FRED
Congratulations on a job well done, Colonel, Colonel Crush. It's unfortunate that your partner didn't survive that pack of wild dogs. Crush salutes and leaves.
As Crush exits the room, Pow appears.
PROFESSOR POW!
Everything is going accorigng to plan.
PROFESSOR POW! and FRED.
(Evil laughter.)
-- END --

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